(This is the third part of a series of posts of why and how I stopped being a punitive parent. The first post is here. And the second post is here.)
I am a sinner and a very imperfect mother. I have made all the mistakes in the book. I have done things that make me ashamed and regretful. I have been down in the depths of despair over my kids. My kids aren't perfect and they are not done cooking yet either! They, as I, are works in progress and we will be, until we breath our last. Here is a collection of the various things I've tried and some wisdom I have gathered over the years, paltry as it is. Since I am still raising teens, I am still working on much of this myself. Writing all this out has been a good refresher for me. I need constant refreshers.
When midpoint through my mothering career I came to the conclusion that punishment is pretty useless and unnecessary and actually can be counterproductive, I began to cultivate other ways of responding to misbehavior and disobedience. I culled a lot of this from various readings over the years. They are in a very random order! Basically, my approach tries to focus more on relationship rather than conduct.
1. Distraction - this works especially well for little ones, but it can work for older ones too. You see that the child is starting to go off the rails, you quickly intervene with a cheerful suggestion, or quickly present another toy or alternative thing to do.
2. Routines and rhythms that help the child be good - enough sleep, not getting overstimulated, not having to perform all day on demand for the parent, quiet time, lots of free play and outdoors time. This is really important. I think parents, especially ones who are used to leading a busy life, full of socializing and frenetic last minute changes, can be really insensitive to the need that children have for cozy, comforting order. When they get older remember that teens need more sleep. They really do. Their sleep patterns shift too. Don't call them lazy or get all rigid if they want to stay up and then sleep in. Negotiate a good compromise instead.
3. Use humor - child didn't respond to your request? Do something funny like take a flashlight and look in their ears. They'll wonder what you are doing. Tell them you thought there must have been something blocking their ears. They'll laugh and get the point and next time they'll respond quicker or at least, you'll only have to say something like 'where's the flashlight' or 'uh oh, we need the ear doctor!' Do stuff like that. Be goofy, silly and light-hearted.
4. Cultivate a feeling of camaraderie, team work, a sense of 'we are in this together:' I'll help you and then if you help me, we'll be done and we can do something fun! The naughtier the phase, the more you should strive to cultivate this feeling of closeness. If your child is being obnoxious the natural thing is to feel irritated and become alienated from them. Try to resist that. Hug them more, not less. Go ruffle their hair as they walk by, look at their baby pictures with them and coo over how cute they were, call them sweet, silly names, like 'apple of my eye' or 'honey-pie.' The closer they feel, the faster the obnoxious stage will pass!
5. Be sensitive to transitions - give them 5 or 10 minute warnings. Transitions are HARD for kids. Respect that.
6. Find soothing activities to do - kids can take a bath, play with play doh or legos, watch a favorite tv show, curl up with a book, etc. Encourage these things when those warning signs of melt down start up.
7. Do chores together (unless the child wants to be independent, then let the child do things on their own). But if you work together you can model what you want done, you can chat with your child while working and it isn't impersonal and burdensome like a chore chart where you need to bribe the kids with stickers or rewards. It becomes relational. Sometimes your kids will just chat and you'll be doing the work, sometimes they will even be a hindrance but you'll be together, side by side. And don't worry that your child will never be independent. They'll be fine. You don't have to teach independence at age 7 or whatever. Your child naturally wants to grow into a competent adult. Trust that. I have heard so many people who do the chore chart when the kids are little and then have real rebellion problems with chores later. But my kids have gotten more helpful as they have gotten into their teens, not less (well I can think of one egregious exception, but that was the exception rather than the rule). I am not big into behavior modification for kids or using rewards to bribe them. I think it is manipulative, frankly, and does not speak to their dignity as human beings. Giving treats to dogs to make them perform works great, not so much children. I think it opens up a whole can of worms. Read Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn if you are interested in further detail about the problems with using rewards.
8. Thank them and praise them when they do something generous or good. I know I often forget to to do this. It is so very, very easy to take people for granted. Knowing you are appreciated is a real, not artificial, reward!
9. Model politeness and patience. Kids mirror our behavior back to us. This can be humiliating, when we hear them repeat the phrases we say more than we should! Get the boulder out of your own eye before you worry about the speck in his. If you snap and are impatient, you can't expect your child to be pleasant either. For one thing they are immature due to their age and simply do not have the same emotional control that you, as an adult, are supposed to have. Show them how it's done.
10. Give them a break. Not everyone can be perfect all the time. Sometimes you just have to let it go once in a while. They won't turn into monsters if you cut them some slack once in a while. It gets drilled into our heads by every parenting article and book that consistency is the be all and end all but we are not robots, we are humans. We should be merciful sometimes; sometimes looking away and ignoring a behavior is the very best thing to do at that moment.
11. Give as many choices as you can. You really don't have to dictate every little thing. If it is a matter of safety or simply impractical then, yes, you need to call the shots, but if it really is just a matter of preference or something you could be more relaxed about, then try to stretch your little ole self and relent a little.
12. Show them affection in the way they'll appreciate it. The 5 Love Languages of Children is an excellent book for this. I highly recommend it.
13. Have real conversations with them. Sometimes we get in the habit of just nagging, reacting or lecturing. Find out what they think, let them confide in you, put away distractions and give them your full attention now and again. Sometimes just being a good listener is the best discipline of all.
14. Read them stories about kids being virtuous. If you read about a child being naughty, talk about it or maybe just ask them what they think. You can contrast Edmund and Peter in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. You can talk about the Little House books and Laura and Mary's obedience to Ma and Pa. Read Bible stories and the Book of Virtues out loud. There are many stories and books that can used to teach virtue.
15. Court your child. Take them on dates regularly or have some kind of regular bonding time with just him or her. Surprise them occasionally with treats. Write them little notes to tell them you love them. Do little considerate things for them. Let them witness you doing little considerate things for your spouse.
16. Let your child help with things like cooking food for a sick neighbor or a mom with a new baby. Let them volunteer with you at church or somewhere in the community. Get them involved in scouts or some kind of club that does a lot for others and emphasizes kindness, duty, selflessness, etc.
17. When something is wrong, point it out in a calm and direct manner. "Honey, don't do that. That is not the right thing to do." Maybe you can supply them with an alternative, or just distract them or just say I'm sorry honey but I just can't allow you to do that. If they are disappointed and cry, well.give them time to get over it. They might stop fussing in a few minutes if you are patient, calm, sympathetic but matter of fact too. It is no sin to be upset when disappointed. It is a natural feeling. Help them learn how to cope with it. Don't treat it as disobedience. See it as an opportunity to learn patience yourself. (This is one of my major weaknesses).
18. Try to address problems in a non-confrontational way. It is good to have a regular meeting time where you can bring up issues and remind them of the rules or duties. Mix it in with pleasanter stuff too though so it doesn't become a situation where the child is always put on the spot and made to feel bad. You don't want them dreading that weekly meeting or however you handle this. You want them to be a full participant.
19. Don't have too many rules, but you do have to have some rules so the kids know what to expect. Make sure the rules are clearly promulgated so they know what they are supposed to be doing. Clearly promulgated means you have to explain them over and over again for 1000 times! That is just the way it is. You can choose to cheerfully embrace this fact or let it irritate you and sow resentment in your heart. It is all in your attitude!
20. Don't test your child all the time by expecting independence before they are really able to attain it. I strongly believe parents often expect too much too soon from their kids and they also expect the kids to perform for them all day long at the moment the parent demands it. Make sure you are sensitive to your child. Many times I've seen parents demand certain things of their child and then get exasperated when the child doesn't do it or rebels and it is always the child's fault for being lazy or bad and when really it struck me that it was the parent being unrealistic about their demands.
21. Take care of yourself as much as is possible to be well rested and have healthy breaks. Motherhood is hard! It is very demanding physically. We spend all day (and night!) lifting, carrying, bending, nursing, being spit up on, drooled on, thrown up on, pooped and peed on, chewed on, scratched, pinched, hugged, kissed, squeezed, pulled, walloped, etc. We don't get enough sleep. We are constantly exposed to germs. We are constantly being interrupted and pestered when we are dealing with very needy, immature people all day long! And we have to make about a million little decisions and judgment calls all day long too. It is tough! So cut yourself some slack. Find what you need to do to stay calm. If that means the kids get time in front of the TV, or the like, so be it! Don't beat yourself up over it. That saying about putting your own oxygen mask on first before the kids makes perfect sense. You will be a better and more patient parent if you have some down time yourself to regroup and rest a little.
22. It is ok to negotiate and compromise sometimes. Kids can be great lawyers always wrangling to make things optimum for what they want. But that is actually a really good life skill! So let them do that occasionally. Sometimes you can't give in because of the circumstances, but just explain that. But where you can negotiate, it is ok to do so.
23. Sometimes everybody just needs to separate to cool down or get away from being infernally irritated by each other. People who are out of sorts frequently need solitude. Sometimes a tantruming child needs to go his room to calm down and cool off. Sending a child to their room isn't always punishment. Sometimes it is just the best response to the crisis at the moment. Heck, sometimes a child will flee to their room because they are upset. They know they need a refuge where they can collect themselves.
24. Use the environment of your home to encourage cooperation and consideration. I put up sayings around the house by saints and other famous folk. Religious art promotes thinking about higher things. Have a little altar in your home with a crucifix, Mary and other saints. My kids often do copy work that emphasizes virtuous behavior.
25. If you yell at your kids all the time, if you are always emitting sighs of exasperation or grumbling about how rotten they are, you won't have much control over them at all. But if you are really sparing in showing your disapproval, one sharp glance of reproof, a glance that only lasts a second, can do wonders in terms of stopping bad behavior. Less is more.
26. Recently there was a conversation on facebook where some parents said that they made their kids go to bed earlier if they were being troublemakers. Depending on how you apply it, I don't think this is necessarily punishment. Sometimes, you just have to admit defeat. The day has gone downhill, everyone, including mom is at the end of their ropes, therefore, it might just be good common sense to end the day a little bit earlier, as a way of avoiding near occasions of sin. But if you say: That's it, young man, an hour early bedtime for you!!!! Well, then it is a punishment.
27. Does your child always want to have the last word? Does your teen always have one more argument or shot at you they have to make when they are upset or disagree with you? Don't get into it with them. This has been so hard for me but I sometimes take refuge by just saying point blank: "I can't have this conversation right now." The teen wants to keep wrangling and I just repeat, "I can't have this conversation right now." And then I walk away as soon as I can. It is so, so hard for me not to retaliate in kind. I always regret it when I do though!
28. Make sure you and your husband present an united front most of the time. I don't think it can ever be all the time, but if most of the time you and your husband are on the same page, you can support each other and help each other out when it comes to the smooth running of things. Talk about issues before you deal with the kids.
29. When you really want something done right away, don't yell to your kids, instead go right up to them, be physically close to them and then tell them. If you do have to shout across the house to them, say something like HELP!! Let them come running to you and then say, I just realized we need to do so and so (whatever it is). Apologize for shouting at them. Shouting at people is rude. Plus there is something that weakens your authority if you are always yelling. But the mere fact of your physical presence gives greater weight to your request.
30. Do overs - give the child a chance to redeem himself. If he snatched a toy from his sister or replied to you rudely, tell him, let's rewind and redo that the right way this time. Give him a little time to work it through and then applaud his correction.
31. Don't overreact. A lot of times I made the mistake of taking behavior personally when really it was just immaturity and testing boundaries (something all children do). If I can remain firm and detached and simply state what's what, that serves as correction enough. There is no reason to get punitive.
32. A lot of times I have seen moms who really get upset about lying. If their kid tells a lie they really come down on them hard. My approach was different. I think everybody lies at some point in their life and if anyone tells you otherwise they are lying! I think, unlike some sins, lying is a pretty universal one. Also, I think kids really need to develop an understanding of what truth is. It truly does take a child a while to figure out what is fantasy and what isn't. And sometimes they know it intellectually but emotionally they can't handle the distinction yet. They want something to be true so much, they will it to be true. Heck, I know adults that are like this! I wanted to be very careful not to encourage my children to lie to get out of trouble. I would say to them: the most important thing is to tell the truth. You won't get in trouble if you tell the truth, but if you did something bad (whatever it is I am suspecting them of) we'll brainstorm to figure out how to solve the problem. So no punishment if you tell the truth. Telling the truth actually takes a lot of courage for a kid when they feel backed against the wall. So when the kid admits, yes, I did eat the snack you were planning to take to the pot luck gathering or yes, I did smack my sister and that's why she's crying, then I would praise them for being brave and telling the truth and then we'd brainstorm about how to fix the mess they'd made (go hug and kiss sister and play nicely with her or do something nice for mom to make up for the fact she now doesn't have any food to take to the pot luck.) If you do this, your kids will confide in you and seek your guidance in everything. Including when they are being tempted by sex at age 17 and other bad stuff that you probably don't want to think about right now! The pay off on this one is big! Knowing they can come to you no matter what, will weather them through the storms that modern life throws at them.
33. Give a child a chance to redeem himself. Sometime we pounce too soon. If you can diffuse the situation without resorting to punishment, the child very well might repent after having a chance to reflect on his own actions and then seek reconciliation all on his own. You don't always have to teach them a lesson. As their awareness of others increases, they'll begin to pick up on this stuff on their own.
34. If there is a recurring problem, invite the kids to brainstorm about the best way to handle it. You'd be surprised at how letting them own the problem helps them deal with issues.
35. Sometimes you just have to learn to live with certain things. My youngest two kids' bickering which has been going on for about 11 years now, drives me batty. However, in spite of this area of disharmony, they are the best of friends. So sometimes you just have to realize no one is perfect and that there are certain foibles that just ain't gonna go away!
36. About sibling fighting. Although not good, it is completely normal and is actually the kids' way of working out how to socialize with each other all the time. You do have to protect the younger ones from being unduly dominated by the older ones, either through sheer bossiness or being overly critical of the younger ones. This latter thing was a real issue that we often grappled with. However, our younger ones adore the older ones and missed them terribly when they went away to college, so really parents need to take a step back and not overreact to everything. Time and maturity takes care of a lot of things.
37. Remove temptations. My kids would go through a stage where they would start chucking things at people- maybe about 18 mos to 2.5 years? I just put the blocks away for that amount of time or I put them in one bedroom so that only the older kids had access to them. Toddlers and Preschoolers go through periods where they bite too. During that phase you just have to be right on them to admonish, distract or remove them from the situation.
38. If your kid has a meltdown when you are out try to go into your matter of fact, detached zone or frame of mind. Assess the situation. Can you just take him back to the car and give it a little time to blow over? Has he gone over the edge in complete melt down mode and it is better to cut and run? Are the other kids beginning to follow him into melt down? Whatever you do, ignore other people; don't let their judgment intimidate you. Don't let them interfere with your relationship with your child. They just don't count at that moment. Brush them off and handle the situation as best you can. You are earning heavenly brownie points with all this! Also, make sure your kids aren't going into melt downs all the time because you are forcing them to do too much. Sometimes it is unavoidable but for instance, if your kid always loses it at the grocery store, maybe your husband could do the shopping or you could shop at night or very early in the morning when he's at home. Or you could hire the neighbor's 11 year old to come along with you and distract the kids while you shop. Maybe you can get groceries delivered. Just don't keep repeating what winds up being something that always ends badly.
I remember when we had our second child, we stopped being able to go to restaurants with him. We ate out a lot. My husband and I were young professionals. Our oldest had proved to be very portable and not much of a problem in restaurants. But our next baby just couldn't handle being out in crowds. He was very sensitive to it and easily overstimulated. He was LOUD and screamed a lot. We just stopped eating out very much for the next two or three years! Sometimes you have to make sacrifices!
Also at church. Lots of people handle young ones at church differently. While taking little kids to Mass is a wonderful thing to do for many reasons, it is not required that you bring your toddler or preschooler to Mass. if it is always an occasion of unpleasantness and detracts from your being fed spiritually, you don't need to bring them. You can wait until they are a little older. You are not a bad Catholic mother if you do this! Especially if you have a kid with ADHD or some other condition. Sometimes other Catholic moms are the harshest judges and the most opinionated about this. Ignore them. I will say though that I agree with the idea of not bringing a ton of toys or food to distract a child during Mass. I try to model reverence when at Mass. I actually trained my below 5 year old kids by going to a shorter daily Mass each week with them (at a church with a cry room) and then making it a big deal when they were old enough to attend Sunday Mass with me. By that time they really can pay attention pretty well and they are proud of the fact that they are old enough to go. I simply wouldn't make make Mass-going an occasion where you have to constantly be threatening a child or dealing with their misbehavior. I never want to dampen their love for Jesus!
39. Sometimes a good cuddle heads a temper tantrum off at the pass.
40. Model trying to improve. I went through a point where I couldn't stand all the sarcasm being launched every day in our house. But then I realized I was often sarcastic. My kids took this and amplified it tenfold. So I announced that I was going to try to break the habit of being sarcastic. I don't know if we accomplished this 100%, but the level of sarcasm went down considerably when the kids saw I was trying to change my ways.
41. Try to focus on a virtue a month. There is a great book by Richard and Linda Eyre (I think they are Mormons) called Teaching Your Children Values. They came up with very clever and fun ways to impart the love of virtues to your children.
42. When kids are really acting out because they are frustrated, often physical exercise will release the tension built up. Explain that when they get frustrated stress levels build. Tell them that if they exercise, their brain will release a chemical that will make them feel better. Wasn't that nice of God to design us that way? Have them go outside and run around the house or up and down the driveway or jump rope or bounce on the trampoline or whatever works! It is magical how quickly it makes you feel better!
43. Use audio-visual resources to teach virtues too. See Alexander's Amazing Adventures by the Eyres from #41. Or watch CCC videos on the saints or watch Veggie Tales or maybe some PBS or EWTN programming that deals with this sort of stuff.
44. Which is a better response: you are discussing what time your teen should be in at night and they roll their eyes at you. 1) Don't you dare roll your eyes at me, young lady! 2) Honey, I love you. I am going to overlook your eye rolling because I don't want this to be a fight. I am not telling you when to come in because I am trying to oppress you. I am your mom and I am doing my job as I see fit. (And then walk away). Your kid might be mad, but when they cool down they will respect you for being calm and on the level.
45. When your kid slams the door, has a tantrum, whines, interrupts you for the 100th time, this might be a good time to unite your sufferings with Christ on the cross. Yep, offering it up isn't just for kids. Though sometimes, in the right moment, you can suggest that to your child as a way for them to connect to Jesus and to learn self-control. But you, the aware adult, can be working on this all the time!
46. I remember reading somewhere a long time ago that children whine out of anger. That struck a chord with me. Kids do whine because they are unhappy and have no control over the situation. They want to go home and they have no idea when Mommy is going to stop chatting with Mrs. Jones. It seems like an eternity! They are hungry but mom is serving that yucky dinner again. Seeing things from their point of view helps put you in an understanding frame of mind and lengthens your fuse in terms of getting annoyed. Though my kids had the ability to hit just the exact note of whine in their voice that would make me jump out of skin practically! It was like fingernails on a chalkboard! I wanted to cover my ears and run away screaming! When I found myself getting like that, music really helped. Put on happy, driving music to cover up the whine. Dance around like a maniac. It is a good distraction and would help diffuse my visceral response to the whine. The worst is being trapped in the car in traffic with kids who are screaming and whining. Thank God for the radio or cds of kids' music (am I dating myself with cds? Maybe MP3s now?) If you don't have music, sing! Maybe at the top of your voice!
47. Work on your marriage. When you are feeling in harmony with your spouse, you have a sense of well being that gives you confidence and the emotional resources to be a lot more patient with the kids.
48. Don't vent too much about your kids. I am a child of the 70s. We were told venting was good. But we were told wrong! A little venting might be good, to get something off your chest, or to seek some real advice, but if all you do is vent, vent, vent, well that is the direction your mind is always taking and that is not a good thing. Count your blessings, emphasize the good things you have, cultivate gratitude in yourself and your kids. Look for the good in your child. Try to talk about that stuff more than complaining. I often chose not to go to mother nights out because I could not stand the negativity of the other moms. These were good women but some saw venting as a way of relating to the other moms. I would find my wimpy old self joining in to fit in, and then it would depress the heck out of me! I would come away from these supposedly refreshing evenings of 'me' time and be even more bothered about everything that was irritating in my life! I found that deliberately trying to be a bit more stoical than I naturally am actually made me a happier parent.
49. Instead of getting mad at your kid's misbehavior, seeing it as defiance against you, train yourself to feel sad instead. Disobedience sows unhappiness and sinfulness which is really sad stuff! If you are sad instead of mad, your child might respond really differently. Knowing what they did made you sad speaks to their heart. Knowing what they did makes you mad, speaks to their will. Often kids just get mad back! But if you are sad, they often want to comfort you instead. Mommy, don't be sad! I won't do it again!
50. Finally, pray. Pray a lot. Pray with your kids every day. Pray for your kids every day. Pray for yourself every day. The closer you are to Jesus, the better a parent you'll be. Love God with your whole heart, soul, mind and strength and your kids can't help but notice and respond. Frequent reception of the sacraments is good too! No matter how hard you try, you will always be imperfect and your children will always be imperfect but that is ok because God is merciful!
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