Thinking on things

I've been brooding about the sex abuse crisis in the Church for a few weeks now.  I feel it corroding away any trust I had, but I feel I must know the truth.  The Church is sick.  Really sick.  It has been unfaithful and manipulative.  The holiness of Christ does not translate into the holiness of the priests, bishops and cardinals.  Once you start looking, you see it everywhere.  How blind I was. There are stories in the news all over the place.  This is a corrupt hierarchy that doesn't really believe in God.  It has perpetuated filthy evil that has destroyed lives.  And it selfishly sought to preserve its own comfort and security over the people it was commissioned to serve.  And they used our money to pay for it all.  It's like a Mafia.

One thing I've noticed about myself is that I am finding comfort in Adoration, but I am having a hard time going to Mass.  I really have to steal myself to go.  I dread it.  It's ok once I get in there but I am just waiting for it to end.  I'm amazed at my own emotional response.  Why is the Eucharist so comforting but Mass something to grit my teeth through.  I've always love Mass!

And I realized something.  With Adoration there is no 3rd party between me and the Lord.  It is just me, praying silently in His presence.   With Mass though, I have to look at a priest.  Here's the weird though, that priest is a really nice priest who I doubt has ever done anything untoward (though one doesn't know these days).  And also recently the priest I first knew when I returned to the Church right after I got married, is often helping out now.  He's retired and good friends with our pastor, so he's been showing up to say the 10 o'clock Mass.  He's a good speaker.  He teaches well.   So why am I so uncomfortable?  I think it is because I really don't want any priests telling me anything right now.  I've been studying the faith myself for a couple of decades now.  And I will continue to do so.  The homily is seldom very illuminating to me.  I don't need it.  I actually feel like the priest is interfering with my relationship.  He's a distraction.  The Eucharist is the main thing, not what priest is saying the Mass.  But in our ugly church, with its plain altar, honestly there's nothing to look at but the priest!  It's like it is he who is inviting us in and playing the host.  But he really is just in persona Christi, I don't really want him talking so much!

I have attended some Tridentine masses and some Byzantine ones and at these masses, the priest faces the altar.  In fact in the Byzantine Mass, at some point the priest goes behind closed doors and you don't even seem him!  I think it is supposed to hearken back to the Temple priest going into the Holy of Holies.  I remember finding it so odd but at the same time it really does reduce his significance in the whole liturgy.   He's just the conductor.  You don't really notice the conductor that much at a concert. It's about the music. 

 At my parish right now when it is time to read the Gospel, the priest picks up the book which is vaguely decorated, not that lavishly, but a bit.  And he holds it up and he walks a few steps to the ambo.  That's it.  In the Byzantine mass there was this whole orchestration with so many acolytes and deacons posing around the priest holding up this really ornate Gospel.  They held it for him while he read from it.  It's really dramatic.  It really seemed so reverent and made me feel in my heart what a magnificent thing is the Word of God.  Even in the Anglican rite, when we attended a few Masses back when they had an ordinate at a nearby parish - we'd sometimes go on Sunday evening if we hadn't made it to Mass in the morning for some reason - they would parade around the altar and then the priest would walk out into the aisle and station himself about 1/4 of the way down and read the Gospel there.  Seeing such ritual acts of devotion, I think, prepares one's heart to be more open to the Word.

I have never been one of those people who wistfully wishes for the days of the Tridentine Mass.  I have gone on occasion because it is a Mass and part of our heritage so I wanted to be exposed to it.  And honestly, I still don't hanker after it like some do.  But I am surprising myself by finding myself wishing the priest would just turn around and lead us in prayer.  When the priest is facing the altar, he is a conduit, when he is facing the congregation, he becomes the star.  He's not supposed to at all. And if you try really hard, you can prevent that from happening, but it's an emotional and psychological thing.  You actually have to work at it.

A few years ago I went to the Orthros vespers (I think that is what it is called) at a very nearby Melkite Greek Catholic Church (less than 10 minutes from here).  I've never actually been to their liturgy though.  The Orthros was gorgeous and moving.  I'd like to go to their Sunday liturgy.  Would it be weird to start going there but still be involved socially with my own parish?  I love that aspect of my parish.  I'm involved in 3 or more things there regularly.  It is a good parish and the priest(s) and deacons are good.  I guess this is just me having a problem.  Pope Francis says clericalism is such a bad thing but then what power do lay people have anyway?  The clergy have set it up so they have very, very little.  They've made themselves the center of the show who pull all the ropes but give lip service to the idea of the priesthood of the faithful.

The thing about the Melkite Church is they have their own set up so while they do honor the Pope as the head of the Church, they select their own eparchs and have their own parish structures.  It's a very small rite in comparison to the Roman rite.  They have married priests which I think is a healthy thing right now; and there just seems to be a deep reverence and fidelity to the Word and Spirit that is lacking in the Roman rite.  The Roman rite has become so dry and scholarly that everything has become notional instead of felt deeply in the soul.

I know someone who goes to the Melkite church.  I'm going to screw up my courage and ask her. The thing is the rest of my family won't like this, I don't think.  So we'll see.  I feel very trapped.  R only goes to Mass to please me.  J goes on his own because of his work schedule.  I bet if I didn't remind S, he'd never go.  B actually isn't that attached to St. Mark though.  Maybe they'd be open to this change.  I know R feels so badly for me, because he can see how upset I am.