The full title of this book is The Journal of Best Practices; A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome and One Man's Quest to be a Better Husband by David Finch.
David Finch marries the girl he's had a crush on and been best friends with since high school. But it is now five years into the marriage and they are estranged and disappointed. Where did their love go? Finch's wife figures it out: he's got Asperger's Syndrome. Once Finch realizes this, he begins to use his analytical and obsessive tendencies to zero in on how to become a better husband and save his marriage. What he can't get intuitively, he can get by analyzing and problem solving. Thus he takes a businessman's approach to his problem and he begins to keep a journal of best practices; what is the cause of the conflict and what actions need to be taken in order to solve that conflict.
Finch writes well and is very funny at times. The book is so sweet in that he loves his wife so much and she obviously wants the marriage to work as well. She is incredibly patient and honest with him. The whole book is really a primer on how two very unhappy but loyal spouses can work things out through hard work and sheer determination. The first vital component is communication. Finch gets things wrong all the time in weird, weird ways because of his Asperger syndrome. He doesn't mean to be insensitive, he just often is completely clueless. The next component is dealing with Finch's egocentricity. Aspergerians live in their own world and are very self-absorbed. It can look like raging selfishness but it is the way they are wired. They need to learn to add others into the formula. Another major component was dealing with Finch's quirky OCD tendencies and the way he flips out in anger when tiny little things that wouldn't make any difference to a 'neurotypical,' make his world fall apart.
Finch works through all this systematically. His love for his wife and kids and his willingness to be completely honest with himself and then lay it all out there in the book is really admirable.
While I did enjoy this book very much, there were a couple of things that bothered me about it. First of all, it brought to mind that scene from that Woody Allen movie where he's standing in line somewhere and he asks this other couple in the line (or maybe it was a party) how they keep their relationship going and they both answer, 'We're really shallow.' Finch and wife aren't the deepest people in the world. Finch looks to the likes of Howard Stern and Oprah Winfrey to learn about communication. He turns to reading Cosmo magazine to see how his wife ticks and the way they bond in friendship is by watching some show about runway models together. Whatever floats your boat, but frankly, they just seem pop culture deep. I felt like in real life, I wouldn't have really been able to connect with them much. The other thing is the use of expletives was rampant in the book. I mean the guy thinks in expletives. Do people really go around saying f you to their spouse all the time like that? I would say that right there might be a problem too. Maybe it hit me harder this time because this was the forth 'current' book I've read in a two week period and every one of them was just full of expletives. Is this our modern legacy in writing? That we can't talk without being so incredibly crass? I mentioned it to my husband and he said he resents that because it takes away the power of a good expletive! If you just use them once in a while they have meaning but if you are forever speaking so the language just gets watered down, meaningless, while still being abrasive. It made me long for richer, more eloquent language.
Also, as I read the book I started to think that a lot of what Finch was dealing with, about folding and putting away laundry, or who cleans the kitchen, etc was something that any couple would experience and that this wasn't necessarily Asperger's that was creating the problem. He talks about his wife in glowing terms, but as the book went along I thought, hey, she could maybe pitch in a little bit here too! But as the book drew to its end, it occurred to me that his wife had probably abdicated some things too, simply out of self-protection. Being newly married, having two children, a consuming career and a husband who can't relate to you is a bit overwhelming. She probably got into some sloppy habits simply because she couldn't keep all the balls up in the air by herself, especially when feeling so bewildered and heart broken over the unhappiness in the marriage.
All in all, this was a good book. It had a lot of insight into relationships and how to make them work. I am glad Finch was so humble and honorable about dealing with his difficulties. He does really love his wife and that was heartwarming to read.
For more book reviews go to Read 52 Books in 52 Weeks.
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