A little affirmation

This past year has been rough.  I think I got very negative about things.  I have that tendency anyway in day to day life to be one thing while talking theory and another when actually trying to put things into action.  I start things and then don't finish them because of distractions, or disappointment in how they are turning out.  I take little bumps along the road too personally.  I need to work on patience and perseverance.

It's been hard dealing with my 17 year old, his extreme introversion, his lack of motivation.  I'm so anxious about the future all the time with him.  And then my 13 year old has been so unhappy.  He's tough to live with.  I do think though that it is all in my own attitude because I know that there are wonderful, positive things going on too.  I just don't focus on them and instead I get more and more negative.

So I've been working on this; trying to pray about it, trying to somehow win an attitude shift that will give me clarity.  I can feel it trying to emerge from the shadows.  I see glimpses of it, but it hasn't quite arrived yet!

Last night I was sitting with Hannah and William out on the screen porch after dinner.  I'm so proud of those two, yet I know there were periods of time when I was consumed with anxiety about them.  They are doing so well for themselves though.  Hannah is full of plans and common sense.  She's focused on goals, she is such a capable person.  She's been studying for the LSAT she takes in two weeks.  She's figured out a schedule to study for the GRE.  She's got a boyfriend now and she's very happy with him.  She's so smart and witty.  I worry about things, college life, drinking, etc.  I remember my foolish days.  I think I was a lot more foolish.  She's much more grounded in our faith than I ever was at that age.  Geez, at that age I was completely alienated from the faith!

Will is such a fantastic person.  He's quirky and talented, spiritual, grand-hearted, joyful, wise and cocky at the same time.  He's so witty too.  Last night he was once again talking about becoming a priest.  Last time I talked to him he said no, he wanted to marry and have kids but last night he brought up the subject himself in a much more straightforward way than ever before.  He wants to be a missionary.  He's not sure of what order, but he likes the Oblates of the Virgin Mary.  They run the chapel where he goes to daily Mass.  I can really picture Will being happy in that sort of life.  He's got that element of the aesthete, though both Hannah and I warned him against being too scrupulous.  Hannah joked that that was a saint problem, so you know, not much of a problem!

Seeing those two and how well things have turned out so far, I wonder at my own lack of confidence in homeschooling and parenting.  I've been at this homeschooling thing for 15 years yet I still suffer so much lack of self-esteem.  All my bumbles and lack of follow through, all my mistakes and misguided handing of things are so magnified in my mind.  But something good is there too.  I just need to focus on that.

Each child is different.  I need to see what is lovely in each.  I need to tap the secret of how I can give them help to grow into the people God wants them to be.  I know it is largely their call.  It is their life, but I am here to help.

I need to pray more.  Forty Hours is coming up preceding the Feast of Corpus Christi.  I've decided I'm going to try to pray an hour each day before the Blessed Sacrament for my family, that I can be a better wife and mother to them as God calls me to be.